Denim
His hand grip around the knife
The handle digs, his fingers tight.
The beat of his heart, like a drum
Pounding… His body numb.
He looses grip, drops the knife
Slowly it rolls, straight out of sight.
He reaches for the rope, ties a knot
Around that neck, the world forgot.
All his life waiting to kick the chair
Now’s the time, hes finally there.
He never even spared a thought
For the pain his death had bought.
Those who loved him, cared the most
Will forever hold him close.
My whole world fall down
The smiling face of yesterday
So innocent and sincere
What a price she had to pay
A life of pain and fear.
Running around her coloured room
A face of happiness, care free
The perfect life, you would assume
Something that would never be.
Only 5, calm, sweet and true
So innocent and small
With not even a single clue
Of the girl who would shock them all
10 years later, what has changed
Why a life full of pain?
Her innocence, sweetness exchanged
Washed straight down the drain.
A life of drugs and drink
Something or anything to block out
A life that seems to sink and sink.
A life that’s filled with doubt.
Another year later, even worse
Another pill, drown the sorrow
Nothing to escape this curse
Hopes to not wake up tomorrow
A never ending dark depression
Forever growing, forever showing
Each day a new confession
Loosing the will to keep on going.
A worthless life full of sadness
Never able to succeed
From the outside it all is madness
A heart that continues to bleed.
Fake a smile everyday
Its easier than to frown
Slowly watch my petals fall away
My whole world fall down.
Something I Will Never Understand
I will never understand how this world works.
How people can get others to be horrible to somebody else for them, when that person doesnt know a thing about the other person. How people can just believe what people tell them, and take it as fact, when they dont know anything about me. How people can make you promises, you tell them everything, all your darkest secrets, and then they tell other people. Pisses me off so bad.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Some Realisations
I can not turn back time. No matter who I’ve lost, can never be recovered. Don’t live in the past hanging on for something that is gone, but also never give up on objects that are lost, that odd sock can always be found, no one or nothing likes to be alone, not even socks.
I can not pause time. I should grab every opportunity, not sit and wait for it to pass me by. The time waiting, looking for a definite answer and deciding could be to long, when you finally decide, the chance or opportunity could be gone.
I can make mistakes, but I cant erase them, i can apologise, try to make it right, but can never erase them. Things that have been done, things that have been said will never be gone, and somethings can stay with people for days, weeks, months, years or the whole of their life. If there is a possibility what you are about to say or do could hurt someone, don’t do it. There is enough hate in the world already, do we really need more?
I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I’m not talking about jumping off the school roof and suddenly being able to fly, not that kind of anything, that is impossible. In reality, if I really want to pass the Physics test tomorrow, I can revise, I can do my best, and with the right preparation, I can pass. If I want to be a lawyer I can, and I will. Its common to aim low, to avoid disappointment, but if your aims are low, you will never succeed to your full potential. If you aim high, but don’t succeed as much as you would like, it makes you more determined, gives you more goals to work for, and makes you more likely to succeed
I will never be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect person. We all have our flaws. Who decides what is classed as “perfection” anyway? Faked Tanned, Barbie Blonde, Size 0 Tart? I don’t think so. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone has self worth. Everyone has their pros and cons. People should love each-other for who they really are, not for their body, fake hair, tan, nails or appearance. Its the personality that matters, and who the person is on the inside. No one will ever be perfect.
x
I Am The Biggest Fucking Arsehole In The World.
Im sorry to whoever i hurt.
I feel like the most hated person in the world right now.
My Valentines Day – DUMPED
Ok, so here is my Valentines Day, in words, for anyone to read ❤
I woke up at 6:30, by the sound of my alarm on my phone blaring in my ear, couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, then realised i was lying on my phone, so i turned it off, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Dad woke me up at 7:10, yelled at me, told me i was a lazy bitch, and to get up, so i did, straightened my hair, did my makeup, and got my bag.
Rob has taken me back, so i was actually looking forward to this Valentines Day, I got rob the most amazing card, about a metre tall, with two teddy bears, “To My Loving Boyfriend” i also got him a sweet “I love you” teddy bear and a heart shaped helium balloon, put them in a box, filled it with heart shaped confetti and rose petals, and wrapped it up ready to post on the way to school, even though it wouldn’t be there in time, at least he would get it. We had been going through a bad patch, he wasn’t talking to me, so i was waiting for him to, and hoping that the present would break the ice.
I was running late, so didn’t have time to post it, so made a mental note to do it that evening, and went to school.
I got to school, didn’t get a single Valentines Day card, or a single rose. I find it kind of embarrassing when my 12 year old brother gets more than i do, and all he got was a rose. Oh well, i didn’t let it get to me, because i had the best boyfriend in the world!
I had double PE, which is like the last thing i would ever want to do on a Thursday morning when it is freezing cold. Luckily we only had to do fitness, so we put on the aerobics dance video. DISASTER. I have no coordination. I knew that before, luckily for me, my best mate doesn’t either, so we attempted this video while tripping over each-others feet. Laugh of the day.
Had break, then ICT, carried on with my coursework, and screamed at the printer because it kept getting jammed. Went to art, organised all my coursework, sulked about how my drawing of a piece of coral looked more like an overly used bristly toothbrush than coral.
Had lunch, then went to chemistry, where i couldn’t even remember the two main groups of elements on the periodic table. Metals and Non-Metals…. grrrrrrrrrrrr. I am so far behind on my coursework that me and Cazzie got sent to the LRC (Library) to do the coursework. We sat there, gossiped, became lesbian valentines, and doodled in a notebook, which is now the official “Maths NoteBook” (how original).
The bell went, and i had to say goodbye to Cazzie, narrowly avoid lesbian sex in the toilet (inside joke) and went to ICT to do some coursework after school. My teacher said how good my work was!! I was actually quite proud.
I then had to walk home, carrying my huge art folder. I kid you not, this thing is HUGE, and so heavy. It took my 45 minutes to walk home with it, when it usually takes 30.
I got home, kept and eye on my brother, and went on the laptop. Changed my msn name, putting in a tribute to my new lesbian valentine, Cazzie, a joke, obviously.
My boyfriend messaged me on msn, told me it was over. Almost five months of my life, gone, just like that. So we had a long discussion/argument about how it was over. I asked him to tell me on the phone, i thought i would feel better being dumped by his voice, not his words on the screen, but i wasn’t, i just sat there and cried down the phone to him, begging him not to dump me, which resulted with him hanging up on me…(YAY for dignity). I went offline, threw the card away, and the teddy, and let the balloon go, (it got stuck in a tree. Just my luck.) and cried my heart out on the phone to various people, and crawled into bed with a bottle of vodka, chocolate, and ice cream. Typical dumped syndrome.
Of all the days he could of dumped me, he had to pick then. No break up has ever hurt this much before, i would do anything to have him back. We had our whole life planned, down to our wedding cake, now its gone.
He started texting me at 11, and we spent till 12 texting, he said he still loved me, but wont date me. He has completely broke my heart. He knew how much i loved him, i have never felt this way. Everything reminds me of him, i really cannot live without him, im so scared of loving anyone else, all they do is break my heart.
Thanks for reading about my day, i didn’t know it would be so shit!
Regarding Earlier Post
Just a response to my earlier post: https://samanthalouise.wordpress.com/2008/02/08/holding-on-to-him/
He finally dumped me for real, i guess i deserved it.
I never loved anyone as much as i loved him, and being dumped has never hurt that much, i guess i now know the true feeling of heartbreak.
5 things i will remember:
-
The first time he told me he loved me.
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How he asked me to be his gf while we were playing hangman online.
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How we were going to have chocolate wedding cake.
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Boom Boom Boom, i want you in my room and Avril Lavigne – Innocence
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When he said they were having Gales, and i asked “Who’s Gale?”
I’ll tell you one last time
I don’t wanna know it’s over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don’t wanna know it’s over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What’s in front of me
Cause the vodka’s running on empty
I can’t stay sober
If it’s over
Holding On To Him
On sunday, i did something really stupid, and lost the one person i love more than anything, he says we have a chance together still, but he is unsure.
I keep listening to this song, and wanted to post the lyrics here, because i am holding on to him, and refuse to let him go.
You’re not alone
Together we stand
I’ll be by your side, you know I’ll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There’s no place to go
You know I won’t give in
No I won’t give in
Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you, I’m here for you
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it’s too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I’ll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah
Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you, I’m here for you
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing’s gonna change, nothing’s gonna change destiny
Whatever’s meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you, I’m here for you
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
I Really hope we can make it through.
A Random Post About Life And Perfection.
I have the feeling that im standing in front of a mirror and seeing myself for what i am for the very first time. Then i get the feeling I’m watching myself look into that mirror from a distance, so i can see myself clearly, as-well as my reactions to myself.
Its a strange feeling.
Like life is running away, and their is no way to pull it back, the harder i try to catch up with it, the faster it runs. Every-time I’m looking back in the mirror, and still unaccomplished, like i never achieve nothing, and all i do is mess things up.
Maybe i take what my parents say straight to heart, or maybe to seriously, but they are the only people I want to make happy in the world, they are the people i try my hardest for. I stopped trying for myself a long time ago. When I get straight A’s, they ain’t good enough, I know they expect straight A*’s, but that’s not going to happen. I already feel worthless enough, without their needed input. I don’t need their constant criticism, i feel bad enough anyway, I’m not going to meet their expectations, so they should just drop it. So what if im not perfect? So what if i cant write in a perfectly straight line?
I’m done with trying to be perfect. Perfection is something that cannot be made if it is not created from the start, yet perfection, once created can be destroyed all to easy. Our world, was created perfect, complete, yet it is slowly being destroyed. A human cannot be perfect, but can destroy perfect things. Maybe that’s just the way it was meant to be.
I don’t really know what the point to the post was, but i know i have to stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to be perfect, because it is never going to happen. Time is going to run away, and i cant stop it, but i have to make the most of it, the best i can. We all do.
Live Each Day Like It’s Your Last.
Make Every Moment Count.
Live Every Hour, Every Minute, Every Day.
Life Is What You Make It.
Samie 